It is actually possible to avoid a relationship with someone dysfunctional and to build and maintain a healthy and successful relationship if you follow these Don'ts. Note, as such there are three stages. First the date, then the other and then the partner stage. If someone does not move from one stage to the next, you can suspect that there are serious problems within the next stage. For instance, someone who has a dysfunctional family setting will not move to the partner stage unless your personality has been sufficiently corrupted. A date will be reluctant to move to the other stage if (s)he has been lying unless (s)he feels sure that you are desperate enough to accept this in the next stage. Someone who is worried about a thorough scrutiny during dating, will attempt to skip this stage and will attempt to go for the partner stage straight away.

I set the time frame for the dating stage to be something between 2 weeks and 1 month. If it doesn't click by then, there doesn't seem to be much point. The other stage could be something around 1 year, maybe two years. The partner stage is supposed to last. So there is no time frame.

Think of dating a bit like job seeking and job interviewing where both of you take on both roles. There are probably worse and better candidates, but if one falls through, there are still plenty of others. There might be The right (wo)man out there, but it seems much more likely that are a few equally suited candidates for each position. If you are lucky enough to find a suitable candidate and if you are suitable candidate yourself and if you make it through to stage 3 (partner stage), you might want to call her or him your True Love.

Saying this, we still live in a world full of corruption and hence almost every individual will be dilapidated sooner or later in one way or another. Clearly, it will prove difficult to have a fully functional relationship with someone who is dilapidated. Additionally, we face the fact that it might also happen to us rendering us dysfunctional too. So the whole issue is rather very complicated. Still, here are the Dont's which could be seen as benchmarks.

The date

• Don't date a date who cannot smile and shows no interest in others outside her or his family circle
• Don't accept it, if your date stands you up or frequently doesn't answer your calls/emails/texts. If the date is too busy, (s)he cannot commit to a relationship anyway, and if (s)he can't be bothered, (s)he is not worth your time
• Don't allow the date to behave contrary to common standards
• Don't accept loose or open arrangements of the kind: "I see you later." Agree on fixed meetings. That's why it is called dating
• If you suspect your date is lying, stop dating. Never accept lies, because you simply have no idea what is going on.
• Don't accept a one sided information flow or the dominance of irrelevant information
• Don't go along with your date if after a month you still don't even know the surname of the date. Some identify verification ought to be performed
• Don't rush into a partnership by skipping the other stage

The other

• Don't bring major issues into the relationship including dysfunctional family structures
• Don't allow the other to keep your relationship to his or her friends and family a secret
• Don't accuse the other of things former partners have done to you
• Don't accept lack of commitment and insist that the commitment increases in time
• Don't run after the other if the other behaves badly (this is the so called victim test. This is, if you do the running the other knows that you are willing to be a victim)
• Don't accept the other back without an apology if the other has wronged you
• Don't give what you don't have. If the other attempts to bully you into giving, break off all contact
• Don't ask the other for something the other does not have
• Don't accept abuse from either family or friends towards either of you
• Don't let the other demand you to change. Adapting to each other should be gradual and mutual agreed upon. If it is not possible to agree on changes, it is best to leave on good terms.
• Don't neglect your tasks and circle of friends - create more space for the other step by step
• Don't promise the sky - otherwise you are raising expectations which you cannot fulfill and both parties will be disappointed
• Don't be sexual too early. It makes it hard to break off an unhealthy relationship (it is advisable for you to gratify your own sexual needs until you are almost ready to move to the next stage)
• Don't just go along with it - if you feel that this is not for you, say so and close the case.

The partner

• Don't expect everything to be literally true - words are there to show affection and are often metaphorical. "I love you for ever", does not mean that the partner will actually love you for ever
• Don't disrespect your partner's needs - if you cannot fulfill your partner's needs, say so
• Don't neglect your needs - if your partner cannot fulfill them, say so
• Don't expect that either of you can fulfill each others needs always
• Don't discuss your partner with your friends. This is breach of trust and confidence. However, take it seriously if they say you have changed for the worse.
• Don't begrudge your partner when your partner enjoys something separate from you
• Don't allow your partner to invade your personality and don't invade your partner's personality
• Don't use stereotypical language of the kind: "I always .....", "You never ......" in an argument
• Don't let a problem get out of proportions - stay focused on the issue and don't bring others into it
• Don't dramatize - if there is an issue, don't push your point by saying things like: "That's it. It's all over."
• Don't forget that you both have feelings. Contrary to general opinion bad feelings can destroy good memories
• Don't let everything else rule you and intimacy be destroyed
• Don't loose respect for each other

Dr. Ludger Hofmann-Engl

Chameleon Group of Composers © 2007