The question why the narcissist has picked you is complicated. Firstly, the narcissist is opportunistic. This is, the narcissist is waiting for his victims like a spider does. Secondly, the narcissist must see the potential use in you. This is, the narcissist needs to see that you can potentially fulfill her/his needs (love, admiration, money etc). Thirdly, the narcissist must see some areas of vulnerability in you. If you seem invulnerable you are useless. Fourthly, you must be willing to sacrifice certain personal freedom and domains so that you have to live within the domain of the narcissist. This could involve moving in with the narcissist, giving up your work, life style or circle of friends. In short, if you are seeking love, you are the ideal candidate.

However, it is not helpful to blame it all onto the narcissist. The issue is that you allowed someone to walk all over you without putting a stop to it in time. Hence, you will have to learn from the experience. If you don't change, the same thing will happen to you time after time. You will have to learn to be assertive and to be able to say 'no'. You might want to see a therapist for this or you might want to do a course on assertiveness. But whatever you do, you have to change.

Interestingly, I found that things have changed quite drastically for me. I am still attractive to abusers, but I put a stop to it real fast when my alarm bells start ringing. A general easy criterion is the following one: If someone messes you around three times without any good explanation, leave the situation behind. Don't even bother asking questions.

Dr. Ludger Hofmann-Engl

Chameleon Group of Composers © 2005